You should have kissed me
by sarah.shilo
Summary: Right after Bonnie's birth and the room banishment . The characters do not belong to me. All that you recognize belongs to the one and only Margaret Mitchel and her immortal creation GWTW.


You Should Have Kissed Me

A Picture -

Rhett was kissing her languidly. Was she at Aunt Pitty's parlor? Was it New Orleans? She wasn't sure. She felt the warmth of his arms.

Picture changes – in a far part of her mind she wonders whether this is all real or a fragment of her imagination. She wonders whether it is reality or her mind that haunts her in the dead of night. She shivered at the latter possibility. She tried to tell herself not to fear her dreams.

Her mother was smiling at her, waving from the top of the marvel stairs at the entrance to the white columned house. She was smiling back at her. How old was she? Was she still a toddler? She saw the weeping willow at Twelve Oaks, where the swing hung from and a faint sound of music in the back. Wind was blowing and it became darker.

The following scenery enfolded through the darkness -

She walked towards a tall woman dressed in dark cloths. The woman had a waxy complexion so unlike the sweet one she had while she was alive. Mother – once again. She felt horror taking its grip at the bottom of her stomach. The waxy complexion changed to the a picture of her father laying in his coffin and she was standing heavy with child at the corner of the cemetery. She wanted to kiss him goodbye, but a hand was holding her back. She turned her head. Ashley in priest's cloths was holding her arm, hurting her. The hand holding her arm became unbearably painful and she began pleading for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Then he spoke. He spoke in a slow monotonous voice. She begged him to stop but he kept on reciting the names of all her deceased friends, holding her arm with a paralyzing grip. While hurting she saw the faded picture of him kissing Melanie before leaving to the war so many years ago, and then she saw herself standing at the window, the girl she was with her heart in her hands. She saw herself from above leaving the mansion and heading towards the smaller garden. She was betrothed to Charlie. The child she was up to the moment her heart shattered seeing the kiss from that window was no longer. She felt pity for the shattered young woman she saw standing in the shaded trees with a defiant posture. But a sound took her attention now -

"He had coarsened you, brutalized you". The strong voice so unreal echoed. She saw herself facing Charles's coffin, and then the face changed and it was Frank's. Then she heard music from afar. She tried to reach that place, seeing the ballroom of the Grand-Hall Hotel, from New Orleans. A picture came interfering, herself in their bed in New Orleans smiling and her husband smiling back - was this what he meant when he claimed that she was brutalized? These precious moments when she ceased feeling persecuted by life? When she felt warm and safe and adored? His lips were coming towards her.

But she was in the funeral once again and unreal-priest -Ashley was laughing with a high pitched unreal voice. She managed to get near the coffin, yanking her arm to her horror she saw a swarthy face unreal with its' deadliness. The flames that burned Atlanta were burning in her mind, she was begging and screaming - "Please NO! Rhett, PLEASE!".

The long piercing yell that came out of her lounges did not wake her but it was he who was shaking her quite roughly and with an annoyed voice he added

"What do you want, Scarlett? Wake up, for God's sake!"

"Want?" she was gulping for air trying to understand where she was and what was happening when she realized who was holding her, "You are here? You were-"

But she couldn't repeat what she had seen. Her back was wet with her sweat though it was early spring and quite cold. He sensed it and his hold softened. Her arms folded around his neck desperately.

"You were in my dream-" she was crying "you were there-"

"So, now I haunt you in your dreams?" he muttered dryly and disentangled himself from her arms.

She realized what he thought and frantically grabbed his arm -

"No. No. You have it all wrong. You don't haunt me. You were - There was fire and you were -you were-" she was crying without capacity to complete the sentence.

He observed her. For a second she saw something she did not understand, but as soon as it came, it had gone. His face now bland and rough, slowly he waved her hand away - "It's high time you grew up, Scarlet."

Once again he was turning but she ran after him and held both his arms this time from his back-

"Please Rhett! Please don't go! I'm so sorry. I'm so-"

But his back was turned. She did not notice the tremble of his hand, nor did she see him pause when she asked him not to leave, when she said she was sorry. Discouraged her hands loosened and she too turned her back.

_3 days before_

He left her room.

_She would miss the long amusing conversations in bed with Rhett when the ember of his cigar glowed in the dark. She would miss the comfort of his arms when she woke terrified from the dreams that she was running through cold mist._

_Suddenly she felt very unhappy and leaning her head on the arm of the chair, she cried._

Yes, she should be happy. She had her way, hadn't she?

She was miserable.

As the evening evaded the room she prepared for dinner to find that she was alone in the big dining room. Wade was at Melanie's and Ella and Bonnie were long ago put to sleep.

She played with the food on her plate, leaving most of it after it had become stale and cold.

Her dream came. She woke up screaming with no one to hold her.

The same occurred the following day and the one after that.

She wasn't eating well, then each night came her dream. She'd wake up sobbing in the solitude of her too big chamber. And this third night it altered to these horrible new scenes making her wish her old dream would be the one she woke from.

She hadn't walked out of the house either. Too tired and distressed she was since that afternoon. She'd walk like a caged lion in the parlor each afternoon awaiting his return. But he never showed for dinner. She saw him in the morning when the dark circles under her eyes made her cast down her eyes. She didn't dare talk. She didn't bother changing the wrapper that became her home dress. It smelled of her breast milk, but she didn't care.

She looked around. She finished the jar of water that was next to her bed. For a while she lay down, trying to ease her breathing, trying to think of the benefits of this new situation. No up-side came to mind.

She so longed for his warm arms. A memory of his kisses came to mind. When was that last time that he Had kissed her _like that_?

She never admitted not even to herself, she loved the way that he kissed her. Those were the only times that her mind went blank. Blank of pestering thoughts. Blank of need to think. A memory of his laughter once when she reached her peak during a long kiss and some massive caresses on his side. She was so relaxed at the time that his laughter did not bother her in the darkness of their bedroom. But this had been before. Before she became so heavy with child. It was right after they had returned to Atlanta. When she became too heavy he stopped. No. It was since she had told him of the pregnancy. She didn't think of it at the time, but she missed him so.

'Why would he kiss an elephant as I was?' she thought bitterly 'or why should he care when I'm as bloated as I am if I ask him to sleep elsewhere'?

But he was mad at her. At that she was sure. The memory of the afternoon she rushed him to share her frustration regarding the pregnancy. She felt ashamed now. The baby she was nursing was sweet and her eyes so resembled her father's.

She began crying again.

'Stop thinking, Katie Scarlet!' she tried to order herself 'What good does it do to think of these things?'

She stood up thinking that doing her books might ease her mind.

The halls were quiet. She didn't bother put more than a shawl on her shoulders. She loved the plush carpets and the shiny wooden rail of the stairs. She wondered if she could slide on it, like she did when her mother wasn't looking at the great dance hall she once took her to see in Savanah. She decided to give it a try. The slide went much faster than she had anticipated and she fell on the landing with her hands stretched forward– "At least I can still do that " she murmured, but her breasts were sore from the fall and she felt the milk dripping.

"Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!" she rushed to the first door in front of her and eased her front. She observed herself and tried to feel if anything was wrong – but the dry fall left her breasts sore and she couldn't stifle a cry of pain.

"Damn!" she cursed again and found she was at her study.

She lit a candle and dipped the hem of her night-gown in a pitcher of water that stood in the corner of the room. She used the cool cloth to massage her soar chest. After some relief she sat and began reviewing the books. A task that would normally calm her nerves seemed to do the exact opposite this time, but with her red eyes she clung to the task stubbornly.

The store was mainly boring and she sighed wondering aloud if it was worth the trouble. She took the second book to find that at Johnny's mill they had paid a fine to the authorities for two cases of death, on account of "illnesses".

"He's a murderer" she muttered, "Which makes me-" she stood and took the other book of numbers.

She stood and returned the two books to the shelf taking the third and last one - Ashley's mill, where all the numbers were showing loss. She remembered Ashley's words from three days before and became even more irritated

"The incompetent fool, berating me when he can't add two and two together without erroring at least once" she fumed with greeted teeth "I bet Melly could do a better job in selling or handling the men -. And the other one is probably a murderer! I wish I never had these stupid businesses in the first -".

Her voice echoed in the dark room. She swallowed hard and murmured -

"Brutalized? Coarsened? The stupid fool." She could see his face all frozen and ashen. His clammy hands that held her arm when he apologized for his ungentlemanly words. Why hadn't she been disgusted then? It would have saved her this trouble. But she wouldn't think of her own mess. She kept thinking of his form – how fallen was the shining prince she fell in love with 7 or 8 years before ' I bet poor Melly endures it when - with his greasy hands and dry lips'. The thought was vile, but as soon as it came to mind she couldn't stop murmuring to herself "I bet he's like Charlie, or worse – like poor Frank. I bet she washes herself with vinegar and hot boiling water like I used to."

She took a pile of papers and began writing frantically. Letter after letter in her short manner, muttering incoherently. A few curses in French came out of her mouth too.

A cry from the second story reached her ears. Bonnie wanting to be fed.

"I wish those fools found bees and missed the honey!" and as the crying grew louder she panted "I'm coming, Mommy's coming, darling" and she began racing up the stairs, two stairs at a time

He left the couch he laid on when her steps grew farther away and turned to the other side of the room. She had left the candle behind. He intended to blow it but the words caught his eyes. He remained a few more minutes reviewing the letters and the calculations she had made in a separate paper.

From the landing he observed the huge staircase leading to the second story. He climbed it slowly holding a jar of fresh cold water, as he had every night until three nights before, but at the threshold he froze. Uncertain of his next steps.

For minutes he stood behind the nearly closed door. Than he heard a cry of frustration coming from the babe's mouth. He had come to recognize every sound of his child, and Scarlett's muffled apologetic voice above the baby's cries

"Sweetie, please don't fuss. Mommy's been sleeping poorly so there's less milk in this one. You are probably mad at Mommy. Mommy knows it's all her fault - hush Bonnie, please hush" She was humming a tune now but it wasn't long before he heard her shriek with pain "Ouch! Bonnie honey, you can't bite Mommy!"

The baby began wailing "Good Lord! And you've still got at least eight more months of this! Perhaps the other one will have enough? Oh, please don't fuss," she was crying now and he could hear it in her voice, but the cries of the baby subsided to the sound of sucking.

That's when he gathered his nerve and entered the room.

The scene in front of him was rather pitiful. In contrast to what she'd do when feeding her child usually, her entire front was open to his eyes. She had no cloth to conceal the other breast and was sitting in a most disarrayed manner. Her nightgown was folded under the swaddling skin of her stomach. He could see the signs of birth giving for the first time. It appealed to him. He swallowed. His eyes traveled back up.

With one hand she was holding the baby, and with the other massaging the sore nipple and wiping a few drops of what must have been blood mixed with her breast's milk. She lift her eyes from the nursing child and looked at him with wide eyes as her tears kept pouring slowly. She shut her eyes resignedly awaiting a jeer but it never came.

She was surprised when she felt him put a pillow behind her back with no words thus opening her eyes

"Thank you" she said as though her throat was dry.

He handed her a glass of water and took a large clean diaper from the pile and covered her partly she drank it without a word.

She surprised him when for a brief moment she squeezed his hand.

The baby had ceased. She was not asleep as she normally would but rather raised a curious gaze towards her mother Scarlett forgot her tears and smiled at the baby a bright smile and made a few faces Rhett had never seen her do. She blew her cheeks with a puff and the baby smiled. He felt a soft feeling that was rare for him. 'She loves her' he thought to himself, feeling relief of something that he didn't even know was there.

"You're smiling at Mommy?" she uttered with wonderment, waking him from his short reverie - "Rhett! She smiled! What a beautiful smile she has" her voice died when she realized that she was speaking to him with so much enthusiasm. But his eyes were also torn with the same wonder that hit her a minute before.

"She can smile already?" he asked in a whisper.

Scarlett's face brightened "She gave us her first smile! Wade gave my mother and Ella gave it to Melly. A bit early though, both smiled a week after her. So did Beau. She is obviously brilliant!"

He peered at her, but she didn't notice. To his amazement she wasn't jesting – she meant it. She was caressing the baby's back waiting for her to burp.

He thought of saying that the smile was for her alone, as it had been, but he realized that for Scarlett it wasn't. It was directed at them - both. He smiled. He had wanted the child to smile at him alone. He knew that and he berated himself at his competitiveness.

Normally she'd hand him the child the instant she had finished nursing, so as to cover herself. This time, however, she felt protected by the barrier the child created with her presence on her bosom despite the view she provided him with.

He covered her arms with a shawl - "You'll catch a cold."

They remained silent. As he noticed the child was sleeping once again, he took her from her hands.

"Go back to bed, Scarlett. You need your sleep, and even if you don't, Bonnie needs you well rested."

She blushed but he wasn't there to see it.

She realized she'd really have only two more hours of sleep at the most before her next feed. She sighed and tried to find a comfortable position. Her breasts were sore. She couldn't bear the feeling of cloth over her body. She stood once again and opened the front of her nightgown freeing her breasts to the night air, trying to sooth the burn of the irritated nipples with a cloth she dipped in the water he brought her and closed her eyes trying to will the itch away. Her nightgown fell down to the floor, but she was wearing pantalets to hold the cotton pad, though her bleeding had stopped just today.

She was startled when she heard his voice "Are you in pain?"

She noticed his voice was strain and raised questioning eyes. After a second she answered "A bit. It's terribly itching. I just hope I don't get congestion tomorrow with all the biting and pulling she did this past hour".

He sat by her and observed - "Do you want some ointment?"

"No. I'm not sure it's good for her. Besides, she might taste it at the next feed and God help me if she does. I go crazy when she cries. I was never good at this- The sound of the crying is so-"

She saw a hint of a smile in his features.

"I don't know how you and Melly stay so calm with all this hauling she does." She paused "Coming to think of it, with Beau she wasn't so calm either. She was so weak she didn't-." She remembered Dilcey fed Beau but refrained from saying it out loud.

He rose and took off his shirt and pants without a word and entered the bed before she got back to the bed. She began buttoning her nightgown again and couldn't avoid a small shriek when the cloth brushed against the sore spot-

"Don't bother if you're in pain, it's not sensible." With half a smirk he added "I promise to behave".

She blushed but did not lower her gaze. He gave **her** his first full smile in three days. As she entered the bed, he blew the candle off. He did no attempt to touch her.

She arranged for the nightgown to be halfway down. She didn't want him to see her stomach. It disgusted her – all the extra skin and wrinkles that the stretching left. She moved in her side restlessly. Trying to find a position that will be less painful, wanting to crawl into his arms, afraid of doing just that.

After what seemed like forever he asked in a visibly forced even tone "Would you like me to hold you?"

"Yes " she sounded too eager but she didn't care.

As he held her she clung to him. The pictures of her dream came to her once again and she felt horror grip at her stomach once again. She tried to settle her breathing, to avoid discussion regarding the tears that once again were flowing from her eyes. She inhaled his scent once and twice and once again.

"What's the matter, honey? What was I doing in your dream?"

A small sob escaped her "How did you know?"

She could hear his smile when he merely asked again – "What was it?"

"You were dead, I saw you in a coffin."

"I'm very much alive."

"I know it's a dream." She answered resentfully.

"What else, happened in that dream?"

"Isn't you being dead bad enough?" she didn't want to tell him that Ashley was there. She resented her Dream-Ashley more than she cared to admit "But you're right, there were more dead people – my parents, and a fire—" the tears began pouring again.

He shushed her gently caressing her arms.

"Who else, honey?"

"Charlie, Frank, and then there were the names recited one by one - Stu and Brent, Cade, and so many other friends of mine."

"How did I get inside this dream of yours?" his question was more to himself, but she stiffened, and he felt her body contort with silent sobs –

"I'm here." He noticed it didn't help and decided another tactic "And if I'm gone you'll be the richest woman in all of Georgia, now wouldn't that be fun?"

She tried to move away from him choking, he held her to him gently –

"I'm jesting Scarlett."

"This isn't a joke. I don't want you to ever die. I'd die if anything happened to you. I'm so scared. All the time – tired and scared. Years. The fire. That fire- I couldn't bear it if you were-"

"The one when we left Atlanta?"

"Oh. No. There I wasn't so scared. You were with me." He shrank when she dismissed him so easily "The one the Yankees set in Tara."

"You never told me of that."

But she was shaking once again and he decided to leave the story for another time. Words seemed to threaten her fragile tranquility. He grabbed her waist with his two hands and put her above him while kissing her gently on her lips, silencing her.

It wasn't an ardent kiss but it was enough to silence and surprise her. His hands were caressing her face gently, and he smiled at her as he noticed she had stopped crying.

"Now, that's better" though his tone was a bit condescending she nodded and closed her eyes with acceptance "hush and try to rest." His voice was low and not unkind this time, his hands were caressing her lightly and it made her breath with ease.

Yawning she rested her head on his chest and did not bother climb down from his body, spreading her limbs and entwining them with his. She quietly added - "I never grew tired of _you_. I missed you." The last words were small and as soon as she said them she fell asleep.

He was left to the confusing thoughts that were pestering him in the past three hours. Long minutes after that he put her down from him, leaving her at his side enwrapped in his arms, before he let himself fall asleep – "She will definitely be the death of me" he thought silently and smiling at the recollection of her words he closed his eyes.

She did not wake in time for the next feed. He brought her the baby and woke her gently. He re-entered the bed and laid her back to his chest, caressing her bare side lazily in soft movements, observing her nipples. Despite the evident irritation on them to him they were beautiful. She was beautiful- he thought. He had longed to look and touch her this way before, with less barriers but never dared. Somehow this morning he knew that she won't reject him. He felt his arousal and chuckled when he noticed her blush.

"You're beautiful, Scarlet. But I did promise to behave."

She lowered her eyes thinking he must be joking, and a fat tear went rolling down her cheeks.

He brushed it off with his thumb - "Scarlet, why the tears?"

"I'm such a goose. Don't pay me no mind." she was mortified when a sob escaped her throat. But that was all she seemed to want. Cry and perhaps this nagging pain in her bosom would go away. "I'm surly going crazy, Rhett! All I want to do is cry. I'm such a ninny. I can't stand myself. And it's been like this since early in my pregnancy. I just can't control it all!"

He held her gently "You're fine. You're fine."

She wasn't listening to him. Again the baby had finished and Scarlett was making funny faces at her and weird voices in a complete shift from her words.

"I never thought how much pain that year since we parted at Rough & Ready gave you. I'm sorry."

She turned her head to him surprised at his apologetic voice, but said nothing.

"I wanted her to smile at us again." She sounded disappointed as the baby fell asleep.

"She smiled at you, honey. Not at us." He was smiling.

She shook her head – "I don't think so. I think she sees or feels you when you are here, when I feed her. She is so much more relaxed. Or perhaps I am?" she trailed of.

A thought formed in her head.

"Rhett, would you send that boy of yours from the bank this morning? I need some errands done and-"

"Don't you think it best if you dismissed all your employees in person and not after a poor night's sleep?"

"How'd you-? You read my papers?" the crease between her eyes became deeper for a minute " It makes this easier, I want to rid myself of the mills. I thought I'd sell Ashley his mill and be rid of Gallagher's in some way"

His eyes were observing her -"And how, may I ask, will he pay you? Or will this be yet another gift-"

She did not let him finish-

"There is the half of the Hamilton lot downtown and Melly's half in Aunt Pity's house. I want them for Wade. The Hamilton residence. She wouldn't miss it with the cottage on Ivy street. It's worth almost the same price as a mill, with his mill always losing in six months it will-. "

"You've thought it all through – haven't you?" he shouldn't have been surprised, but he was at how quick she found a resolution. He had seen her calculations on those papers. They were now clear to him. She weighed in the losses as well as the market value with precision.

"Well—"

She didn't finish because his hand came under her chin to lift it.

"Scarlett, look at me, and tell me what happened four days ago when you went there."

After a long pause she grudgingly she answered - "He scolded me for the convicts and said- Never mind what he said-" For some odd reason she couldn't tell him. Just like she never told him of her quarrel with Dolly Meriwether just before their marriage. "It's time I-"

"Yes. It's high time you do. But that is not telling me why." His tone was not unpleasant but his words left her mute for a few seconds.

"I don't want the mills anymore, Rhett. That's the bottom line."

At that he looked at her hesitantly "You won't regret it? You're sure?"

She nodded absentmindedly

"Scarlett, you have to be sure. You've put so much work to those mills, and they are your first enterprise—" she put her finger to his mouth in an uncharacteristic way "People are dying in Johnny's mill. I have responsibility for that mill. I can't be a part of it. In Ashley's things are falling apart unless I'm there on a daily basis. It doesn't make enough money for me to hire another supervisor – even one for both. I suppose I could change the personnel, but that's more then I want to do and I'm sick of it."

He was happy. It wasn't nice of him – but he was happy. Happy to hear her criticize his old nemesis, happy that she didn't want to work. 'Well, I've always been rather selfish', he thought. Then he thought of her – the way she built the lumber business from absolutely nothing, learned to manage it with no guidance. If he rushed her into something, she wasn't ready for her pain would be his fault.

"Wouldn't you rather to sleep on it?" was the rather mild response for what she expected to be at least more decisiveness on his side.

"No. Rhett, by now you should know that once I make up my mind I hardly ever change it. I feel those mills are somehow cursed. Sure, they brought me financial relief by I stole them from Frank, and I always feel that I had not had them he wouldn't have died the way he had and –" once again her tears began pouring.

"You still dwell on that?" he wondered "I wouldn't – you never asked him to go and clean down shanty-town. It was his decision. In fact, he is the one who made them all go. Had it not been for him Tommy would have been alive" he stopped because she moved with uneasiness but then he continued "They blame you because you attract their attention. I know they blame you. Those so-called ladies. You were never to blame. You had a family to provide for and you ought to be proud of yourself."

"That's what Melly said" she sighed again "What's done is done. I don't want the mills and I don't need a night to think it over. Do what you think is right and have us rid of them as fast as possible."

"I'll tell you what," he decided to bet on his instincts and continue "I'll help you sell both mills I'll even invest the money for you in a fund, perhaps the new metal plant I'm investing in, near Richmond or some other reasonable investment. I'll manage both sells for you, as far as I care for that lot and house. You can construct a new building on that lot, once it's all yours and move the store there or close the emporium as well and build an office building instead."

"The two mills for one lot and half a house? It's -"

"That may be so, but both mills will go and together. You will not stay in a competing business to Wilkes's or sell it to a competitor. It'll cause too much havoc once he's down and out of business, and I suspect he'll be out of business in a year unless he exits and sells it to someone else. And Scarlett, you will have no more partnerships with Mr. Wilkes. You may not so much as purchase our firewood or Christmas tree, even receive for free, without my permission. You will do as I -"

But he didn't need to continue because she lift her free hand and took his palm to her mouth and kissed it silencing him, and startling him even more with a small "Thank you."

At two p.m. she was startled when Prissy came in and told her the Captain had asked her to give his wife a bath and arrange her hair on account of guests.

"I will not be coming down"

"The Captain insisted Ms. Scarlet" Prissy looked distressed "He be awful mad if you don't. He's been - - "

Scarlet sighed "He's upset?"

Prissy lowered her face and Scarlet noticed that her ears were darkening to a shade of dark red "Pork says he behaving like the sea captain he is, is all".

"I suppose I should be handling the house, and not him".

"He's said he's gonna be doing this as long as you sleep so little. He done called all the staff an' told us to make sure you get your food and rest."

Scarlett's brows rose. In her first birth-giving she wasn't mistress of the house, and yet no one seemed to care too much if she rested or not. With Ella she had had all the worries of the businesses with no one to share the burden. Here her husband was taking it all from her shoulders and not even discussing it with her or glorifying himself.

An hour later Prissy was still arranging her hair in a massive construction on her sculp when he entered the room for a brief moment with a long box in his hands. "Wear this, Scarlett, I had it cleaned for you in the morning" and he left.

It was a rather dull dress he had bought her in New Orleans from grey silk with light green frills at the bottom and around the sleeves. She hardly wore it because it was too big at the time. When she put it, she understood why he had chosen this. She was not wearing a corset and the dress surrounded her perfectly and when she observed her reflection in the mirror she was happy with what she saw. Despite the bags under her eyes she looked respectable and well dressed.

She was about to go down when Mammy entered with Bonnie – "The child need her feeding—why my lamb! You look just like my sweet Ms. Ellen after she had Ms. Careen."

The remark caught her by surprise. She sat down and opened her front. She forgot this dress – unlike most of her cloths it had the buttons in the front in a fashion that enabled her to feed the child without undressing all together. 'Rhett must have thought of that' she idly thought. It was odd, to be able to lean back and do whatever someone else thought was right. She hadn't had this luxury since before she left for Atlanta in the early stages of the war. She closed her eyes and allowed the baby to feed in an undisturbed silence. She heard the door open. She opened her eyes to see Mammy leave and her husband enter. He was so handsome, she thought, groomed to the toes of his feet, and a mischievous smile came to face. He smiled back at her and sat behind her on the small sofa leaning her to him.

"A penny for you thought"

She blushed, she wasn't going to tell him that she thought he was too groomed, she decided to part with half of her thought "That you're handsome."

She caught him by surprise.

She was observing her daughter at the moment who had just unleashed her nipple and moved restlessly. "Oh dear!" she moaned and released her other side-

"Is something wrong?"

"She's feeding more since last night and my body is not quite there yet. I thought it was because I hadn't slept, but I rested all morning so it's not only that."

"Should I call Dr. Mead?"

"Don't be silly! Every few weeks there's a phase when babies increase their demand and it takes some adjusting for the body." She was red-faced. She never spoke of this explanation Dilcey gave her when she had Wade and cried a whole day in her room not knowing what to do with all the pulling and sucking he did in his first growing phase. With Ella she was numb.

"Do you want a wet-nurse?" he sounded uncertain.

"No"

"Are you doing this for my sake?"

She raised her eyes - "Partly? I don't know. I like it that it's only me she feeds from. And with you here it's not so bad-" an awkward silence preceded. A wave of gratefulness flooded his being.

After a while he added "When she's done, you'll come down with me. The Wilkes will be here in the afternoon. I gave him an offer but he said he needed to hear that it was your wish from you." He said it off-handedly by she knew it upset him that Ashley questioned his words.

_Later in the afternoon_

Before Ashley could speak, she opened –

"Oh, Melly, please make Ashley agree to my request. I just can't do this with Bonnie and Ella being still so small, I just can't!"

-Ashley?

Melanie looked at him disapprovingly.

"I just wanted to make sure that it was her wish and that she's certain." He began apologetically, but Scarlett continued -

-Yes. I thought Rhett explained it.

Unlike the way she appealed to Melanie she was now purposefully aloof.

"I'd like to give Wade something of his father's heritage. I am sure Charles would have wanted -"

Melanie clasped her hands and her tears began flowing "You are so right my dear. Do it Ashley. If you had died in the war I would have given anything to give Beau Twelve Oaks again. That's all that's left for sweet Wade from my brother."

The women stared at each other. The picture of Twelve Oaks as she last saw it, burned to the ground hit her. The fire the Yankees tried to set in Tara also came to her mind and the feeling of herself in Melly's lap after she had saved her -

"You saved Tara from that fate".

For a minute they were both lost in the memory. The two men were no longer part of this. None of the man knew the details of that day.

"You put the fire down. I just put the fire in your hair and dress down" she petted her arm.

"Now there's a story you never told me" Rhett's voice and smile woke both of them from the shared haze. The fire she had dreamed of last night.

"After Beau's birth while we were in Tara, Yankee troops raided Tara again. She had sent all the family to the swamp and was left there with Wade and Beau."

"I don't know what fell over me, and I argued for Wade's sword, the one that belonged to Melly's father and hangs on his wall. He saw them take it and wanted it back. A person in his right mind would have given it and soothed the child. I can't figure - for the life of me - what crossed my mind" her eyes showed pain despite the smile that adorned her face and the lightness of her speech "They left me the sword, but the soldier who wanted it set fire to the kitchen. I was sure it was all lost. Then Wade fainted. I was sure he was dead of fright."

"You went straight into the fire with a baby and a toddler?"

The picture of her only three years before, came to him. Too thin, scared, mourning her mother, working the fields in the sun. He couldn't decipher why his comment came as it had

"No!" she looked at Rhett with hurt, "they were outside" The picture of Wade's calm face as he fell and loss of consciousness came to her in a vivid memory. She became pale. "Wade was outside. He was unconscious from before they had left. Holding his sword. I was sure he was dead. I was sure my child was dead." She choked "I smelled the fire and without much thought I left Beau at the balcony and went in-" she got lost in the memory and became numb.

The people in the room were looking at her for a long minute. But her husband reached for her and embraced her lightly with one arm. She realized and gathered herself again.

"Melly appeared out of nowhere. She nearly killed me in the process of rescuing me" she feigned a laugh and it sounded almost true.

"Her clothes and hair caught fire. She put the fire in the kitchen down but was burning herself so I hit the fire too hard I suppose."

"A great number of women, my sisters included, would have applauded you for making me faint"

"And you woke up commenting about my untidy appearance with all the soot".

"You said I resembled a buffoon!"

"Well, you did. We both weren't on our best appearances at that moment" the smaller woman laughed a free laugh.

The two small figures hugged as the deeds were signed and the meeting concluded. Once again both men felt left out when Scarlett whispered at Melany's ear. They couldn't guess that what she said was "Come tomorrow morning and I'll explain to you how to handle the mills." They exchanged knowing faces and Melanie smiled a sweet mischievous smile, kissing her sister's cheek.

Rhett approached her, as if to make sure that she wasn't drifting away and she shuddered for a second, yet she leaned to him giving him a grateful look and muttering just loud enough for all to hear "Thank you darling." It was the most affection acceptable in public. There was nothing coarse or unrefined in the small word of affection, yet it created an intense atmosphere in the room rushing Ashley away in a most lonely feeling he'd remember. She was lost to him.

When they were gone she looked at the room blankly. He touched her again -

"I was out of line before. I'm sorry."

"You always seem to think the worse of me." after a pause she added "I hate looking back. When I woke she told me Wade was fine, but I - I have no idea what to do with the time I'll have next year."

"Next year?"

"Yes, when Bonnie stops nursing."

"A year?"

"Maybe a bit more, or a bit less, but that's how it was with Wade and Ella. When she begins eating solid food it won't be as hard at night." She was passive, almost numb.

"How are you now?"

He was gazing at her front, she couldn't help but blush to the roots of her head, but she answered "With congestion. I hope she's hungry. I don't want to develop fever. I think I'll extract some of it manually if she doesn't"

As if hearing the conversation, they heard their child crying. She was aiming to go upstairs as proprietary dictated, but he stopped her - "Sit here, with your feet up, I'll close the door and stay with you."

"My -"

"Just open the front, Scarlett, until you get to your room and prepare yourself she'll be hauling. I'll have the seamstress come and measure you for some more suitable dresses for these times. You're beautiful and you should enjoy it while feeling comfortable"

The child was calm this time. He gathered both of them to him, becoming her support pillow and leaning her backwards. She eased with the arms that were supporting both her and the child and relaxed to him content. She almost felt as she had when she'd fall and Mammy would hold her afterwards and just like than she moved her head with gratitude in her eyes 'I love you' she wanted to say, but still gazing ahead she froze. It was nothing like what she'd ever expected to feel.

He felt her grow tense. He thought it was his touch and he found himself saying offhandedly -

"I'll leave you to it."

She ignored his remark and to her own surprise in a calm voice she ordered "Don't. Hold me".

"You want me to hold you?"

She didn't bother answering that but rather relaxed to him with her back. He was puzzled. She wasn't looking at him sat as she was, but rather she was observing her hands.

"They're still field hands, aren't they?"

"Scarlett, we can wait with more children. Or any other thing too."

"Ma always said you can tell a lady by her hands."

"Scarlett, I said-"

"I heard you." She sighed "Another baby so soon would exhaust me, but I don't want waiting with - you know- . I miss it. We still have to wait a week or so for me to heal, though" she didn't bother blushing.

"Am I glad you said that" she heard softness in his voice "and you are far more beautiful than a person should be, let alone a married woman - field hands or otherwise, besides what use do I have with hands of a lady?"

But she wasn't listening to him. Being as practical as she is, she accepted her love for him the same way she'd accept a warm summer's day or a change of season. Yet it was a fresh matter as far as her awareness went 'At least I'm in love with my husband this time' she thought, and the notion made her giggle.

"What makes you laugh?"

With one hand he gathered her free hand and put it to his cheek. She didn't bother answer him. 'Last I told a man I loved him it ended out poorly' she thought, 'there is no way I'm allowing that to happen to me again. Then again. He's married to me. What can he do? Divorce me for loving him?' that thought was even more amusing for her, and she began laughing.

"I'm not going to tell you. I've had enough embarrassments for one week. Thank you very much" she kept laughing to herself quietly.

She thought of his arms but the nagging thought of the possibility of him holding others, especially that Belle creature came to mind. Her face became clouded once again.

"I feel so fat. You actually called the seamstress for today?" she choked as she asked, trying to avert her thoughts from the muddy place they were headed to.

"You'_re _beautiful, honey."

The small endearment made her wall crush down and the tear dam was once again fallen, but he wouldn't let her hide her face from him -

"What is it, my sweet? Why are you crying?"

"I feel so useless and foolish and fat - I never had such a thick waistline and all these wrinkles in my belly, and my bosom is sore and inflated and I'm so tired all the time, and I, I-" she couldn't say out loud that she still felt so foolish for banishing him out of their room only to plead his return, that in fact she was still shaken from the thought that he didn't care all that much if she had him in her bed or she didn't.

"I can't take my eyes off you. You drive me half crazy, in more than one way - you saw this morning how I er- shall we say - react to you." He was smiling at her, and with his eyes twinkling he took his handkerchief and wiped her face for her.

Without much thought she retorted "It was just your morning thing. You haven't touched me for months."

Her hand flew up to her mouth. It was unthinkable to refer to such matters. She had ignored it throughout her marriages. Before she became heavy he'd come to her many times in the morning, awaking her with his touch. She never thought she'd miss this. She hadn't longed for it when she had it, especially since he'd make love to her so much more than she expected possible. Sometimes twice a day. During the weekends even more. Then he stopped. But he had stopped kissing her long before that.

"Is that what you feel?" he asked gently looking in her eyes.

Despite his gentleness, perhaps because of it she felt more vulnerable and exposed than before. She was talking to a man, a full-grown man – her man, her blockade runner husband about him refraining from coming to her. Her mother would roll in her grave. Ladies did not speak of these things. Did not think of these things. Or had they all been thinking and hiding it just like she had?

"Rhett, stop! Please let us not talk of these things. I can't believe I said – I said -"

"That you longed for me?" he wasn't mocking her. He wasn't holding it over her head. "You thought that I didn't want you all these months? I thought it would be too much for you. You were so tired at the end of it-"

Had she longed for him? She hadn't known until he phrased it as he had. But it became clear as daylight "You hadn't so much as kissed me since I told you of the pregnancy" She lowered her eyes to the carpet once again. Her eyes began watering again.

His hand flew to his hair and began ruffling it. It wasn't accurate. He had kissed her. She hadn't meant those soft short kisses. He knew what she was speaking of. She was correct. Ever since she told him she was reluctant to carry his child, a raging wind was blowing his soul to pieces. He hadn't thought of the way she must have felt all throughout the following 7 months, or the past two, since the child was born. During the pregnancy they had relations, but it was always in the dark. Always as her duty. She'd keep to herself during and after. It never came to his mind that she wanted more.

"Mother told me I was lucky Charlie was dead when I was with Wade. I'd bicker and fight with everyone. With Frank it was the same, and I hated relations with him so I was kind of relieved, but with you – you never forgave me not wanting to be pregnant."

He was quiet. He did not try to prove her wrong.

"And when I came back from the mill the other day you were all too willing to leave our room and find other beds."

He took a long breath and with a stern voice he answered "Would you want me forcing myself on you?"

She flinched at the thought. The thought that he thought the same made her feel even more ashamed. It was too complicated and she was so tired of three sleepless nights, so she answered truthfully -

"You wouldn't. You're too much of a man to – besides, I wouldn't have denied you had you insisted. Surely you know that. But, Rhett, you could have refused leaving without forcing yourself, couldn't you? But you said that you'd grown tired of me, that you'd find other beds-"

"So, what would you have me do - ignore you and stay unwanted in your bed? You knew I wouldn't beg or try to change your mind"

"I haven't thought of it but coming to think of ignoring - why not? After all you ignored me when I refused your proposal of marriage. It's not as if I wanted to be married again, or more children!" It was like a river going downhill, becoming stronger by the minute "You sure as hell ignored that refusal and kissed me to oblivion instead. No, you've grown tired of me."

"And you probably think that this happened because of your waistline! Lord, Scarlet, have you no eyes? I hadn't grown tired of you. How can I? I was boiling mad at you. You are right, I was wrong to be so mad at you for not wanting to have my child. That's all I was."

"Your child?! Is that what it was about?! I hate being pregnant! I hate it! I'm fat and nauseated and tired, and edgy all the time, and now this – my breasts are hurt and I'm still so fat! I have three children and I'm twenty-three. By my thirties I'll have at least four more at this rate! I don't even like babies! Sure I love my children but I already have three and it's not as if I've given any of the first two enough of my time—"

She was crying and yelling at him "All you thought about was that it was your child?! They are all my children. My responsibility. There were so many times I wanted to run away from Tara. To leave it all behind but they were all on my neck. My responsibility – not only Wade but Pa, Mammy, Pork, Prissy, Melly, Beau, my sisters – only Dilcey helped. By God - If I could go it would be heavenly. But I couldn't, now could I? I couldn't run away. And each child is another responsibility for life, can't you see that? For the first time in years I was happy. We went dancing and I didn't have to worry all the time, and then came the pregnancy – the third! You've been free as a bird for decades and decades before becoming a father for the first time-"

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not. You don't care!" He was at loss. No idea as to how stop this tirade, and it wasn't over yet - "This is why you didn't care when I asked you to leave the room."

"Won't you please stop it with that! I did care. I do care. I hurt you back like a four-year-old child because you hurt me. Here – I admit it. I'm not proud of myself for doing that. All you had to do to undo this was ask - though the way you did it worked too."

"The way I did what?"

"You really have no clue?"

"No." she admitted it. "Care to explain instead of making fun of me, jeering or baiting me?"

"I do that often, do I?"

"You know you do. Ever since we married you became insufferable."

A smile spread on his face "Insufferable? Am I insufferable?"

"You know you are. You are utterly the most vexing creature there ever was or will be on the face of this earth, and you know it. I **WAS** pregnant with your child, and all you could think of was how disappointed you were that I didn't waltz for joy. You never once stopped to think of my nausea or fatigue. You are a self-centered horrible human-being and what's more – you know it. You didn't even bother to take me to Tara when Atlanta fell. I was terrified but it was all YOU YOU and YOU. You never would have worked your back in the sun for two sisters you don't care much for or a bunch of lazy negros like Mammy, Prissy and Pork. And now you don't even hug me or kiss me anymore!" with that she closed her eyes and tried to regain her breath. There, it was out, what was really bothering her.

He was quiet. She was like fire. And he loved. How he loved her. Hesitantly he reached for her lips and kissed her gently. She opened her eyes and saw something vulnerable in his dark ones "Kiss me, Rhett."

And he did.

After a while when he stopped, feeling as if his heart will explode, for she was kissing him back and moaning to his mouth, holding him too, making love to him with her kiss, he whispered -

"If I had kissed you three days ago would you have changed your mind?" he asked quietly. She opened her eyes expecting a smirk to find none. He was observing her cautiously.

"You know I would have. I married you because of _that_ kiss." And the fact that I love you, she thought to herself.

She expected him to laugh at her but instead he took her to his lap cradling her even closer to him "I'm a fool."

After a while the baby who was sucking all along, undisturbed by her mother's multiple outbursts, ceased. She put her to her arm and rubbed her back until the desired sound came out – "There you go my sweet" she mumbled to the baby. The child's eyes were opened, and she seemed not in the least inclined to sleep. Rhett took her allowing Scarlett to rearrange her front. He was out of the room for a few seconds. When he returned, he saw her looking at her nipples with a grimace.

"What are you frowning about now? They are beautiful."

She blushed, but he ignored her obvious embarrassment.

"Come, if you're up to it, we'll take the children for a stroll down the street with the two trollies. And what I meant by "The way you did it" is that you made me feel you cared for me, it was more than just being wanted again, in your bed, and that was more than enough for me."

'He loves me. He's loved me all along. He's so happy that I care, he must feel so lonely.' Thoughts of his family came to mind. Of his life. All this took less then a few seconds, but it was enough to change her mind and decide-

"I love you, Rhett." He turned and looked at her unbelieving –

"You -?"

She had more courage than he ever had or ever will have, he thought – "I love you Rhett. That's what I was laughing about before. I was thinking that if I told you, you might react in some funny way, but since you're married to me you are rather stuck. You can't divorce me for loving you, now can you?" she smiled faintly.

He approached her and responded the only way he knew how – the only way she wanted him to respond. But when his lips approached her again to reclaim her desired red lips she stopped him with her finger – "Say it. I won't kiss you until you do."

"What? I love you?"

"No, I figured that out by myself. Say that you should have kissed me and that you're sorry for being such a fool."

His booming laughter made her smile even wider "I promise you I'll never stop kissing you again, and I'm so very sorry, my sweet. You have a fool for a husband, but you love me, so you too are rather stuck, aren't you?"

She felt his armed, and like a cat she smiled at him satisfied "As long as you kiss me, what do I care?"


End file.
